it's funny how one change in plans can totally alter your entire disposition.
two weeks ago when i started this project a guy and i decided to go out for drinks then to a show tonight.
i'd been looking forward to it. but as i told him initially, after that night i didn't want to talk to him aside from solidifying plans before-hand. he asked me to go out for drinks last week. not only did i have no opportunities, but then i would have to certainly consider that date one, etc.
on sunday i got a strange email where he said he said my lack of reply was boring.
i didn't respond. it was insulting but didn't warrant a response.
on monday he wrote that he was sorry, he had been cranky and stuff.
all in all he seemed like a decent guy, but being completely honest, i didn't feel like i knew anything about him aside from his profession, really. and that was how it was supposed to be. that's all i've known with pretty much any of the people involved. keep it basic and superficial until we meet. then we can end up talking for eight hours without stopping. hey, i'll go to work four days later and get asked if i'm feeling ok because my voice is just that raspy. (happened today. totally awesome!!)
basically, the whole project is supposed to be fun and light-hearted. it appears he has a more analytical and systematic approach to things. i am one of those creative-impulsive types. i would, as i mentioned on twitter, eventually drive him crazy. his email read in a very familiar voice. and that voice and i, we didn't work out for a reason.
there is constantly this dichotomy present in pop-culture--the straight laced goal driven man always lead by his career has his life turned upside-down and finds love and adventure through some zany odd-couple antics with an unconventional free spirit who bends rules and gets by on luck and persuasion. it sounds amazing. it hasn't worked before though.
i left work to (approximately) this (type of) email:
opening paragraph has some hypothetical question about certainty and realizations. he tells me about how excited he was to meet me, which i appreciate and shared. there were some compliments in this space. following were words about the project. he wasn't bothered by it. his concern, he explained, was "What if you met someone you really liked?"
this next paragraph spells out his "growing discomfort." he talks about being uneasy with "being used." he says he struggled and said, "Ah, she seems well-intentioned and at our ages it's hard to meet someone of quality and therefore the cynicism of this project reflected by her is just her open-hearted way of expanding herself and perhaps other people's experience of reality and dating."
he then spends a good number of lines expressing his distaste for the lack of communication. he was upset that i hadn't talked more. he was cross that last night i sent him a message asking him to re-send his picture so i could update the blog. he had, all along, asked that i respect his privacy. i did. i never planned to tell anyone who he was, even when he signed letters with a fake name and wanted me to refer to him as that. (i already knew his real name.) the information i wanted sent was a picture (i couldn't find the original. i received 400+ in two weeks. things get lost.) i was supposed to be meeting him the following night. maybe i wanted more than one view so i'd have a better idea of who i was seeing or something. i'd sent more at his request, no problem. i also have tried to give a brief description of each person: interests, funny notes, things that explain why they'd stood out among the rest. thus far everything i knew was confidential and when i asked for a little more information he clammed up. he said he wasn't a great dancer or something along those lines...compare that to a guy who runs a carnival + someone who says he's got ghost stories + a guy with a phone filled with pictures of fish on ice + mentions of other adventures...
he goes on to talk about finding love and following you heart. the ideas sound nice on paper within the context of a book with flowers on the cover but it's not for me. the only time i talk about my heart is when i draw one on a window in the fog. it's like roses or doilies. keep them. i want daisies, ferns...maybe a nice moss. keep it sleek and streamlined. let's make jokes. make me laugh til i'm choking on my own breath. my idea of romance is completely different than his, i'd imagine. valentine's day makes me purse my lips, i wear a fake mustache from time to time for my own amusement.
reiterating: i wouldn't consider this project as a means to use anyone. i'm not in a committed relationship with anyone right now. i'm not necessarily looking for one. i've been passively looking, sure, but the majority of my free time has been dedicated to creating things and expressing myself in new ways. and learning, always.
his response to my previous entry about driving him crazy consisted of insults. i haven't even met him yet..."I guess you are saying that your lack of compassion; lack of empathy; lack of caring; lack of looking for love; lack of having the hope of finding, sharing, rejoicing in love; lack of perception; and lack of integrity, as well as other general lackings
no, that's not even close. those who know me realize this is so far from the truth. i am as i know, an extremely positive and good person. i don't even need to explain myself in this regard.
all this to say: i am hurt by and disappointed in a stranger.
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