oh geez...this is one of those tough calls/integrity issues.
i've finally approached what may be the most uncomfortable portion of the project.
it isn't anything about the guy. he was really nice.
and it wasn't about me either. i am, as far as i'm aware, a good person.
i guess in this case the trouble lies in the fact that not all people are necessarily compatible. and that's fine. and it isn't a big deal. and it shouldn't be. if we need to blame someone we can blame me, sure. but it isn't about blame.
it's about the fact that for once when a person and i parted i felt a little sick.
i felt like i messed up big-time.
part of the whole thing is about being gracious and sweet and appreciative, which i certainly thought i was.
i was late. i'll start with that. it took me close to two hours to get to dinner on wednesday night. we were meeting at royal tavern and what usually takes anywhere from 35-55 minutes took me an unreal two hours to travel. i made every effort to keep dave updated on my status and of course felt like a putz. i'd given myself an a little over an hour to account for traffic so believe you me...embarrassing.
dinner was really nice. we had some interesting conversations. i tried to pull some stories out of him but he seemed a little reluctant. this (may have) resulted in my leading the conversation. (i know how i can be and am very self conscious. but it felt like i was doing most of the talking which sort of resulted in entertaining, as opposed to regular dialogue.) early on i told him i had a meeting at ten down the street. as that time approached i realized i also needed to move my car in order to avoid another $36 parking ticket (oh, philadelphia!! your government runs on my poor timing!) he asked about the meeting but i sensed some skepticism in his tone. it almost felt to me like he wasn't certain that i actually had a meeting. i know, a ten pm meeting in a bar sounds far fetched to most, but it's true. i'm working on a project with some girls and this is how we operate.
i told him that we're doing a creative collaboration type thing. some improv, some sketch, a little filmed, a little live...still in the early stages. (these girls are super talented and i'm excited to see what comes of it, by the way!!) he asked if he could come along and observe.
this is where i probably went wrong.
realistically, because we are still early in the process, i should probably have said it wasn't a good idea. the intention was to sort of bounce ideas off each other, talk a little bit, interact with people we don't know (just to get a feel for timing, intonation, delivery, things along those lines.) but i said yes. i usually say yes because i want to see how things pan out. this time though, saying yes i was thinking "you need to check with the girls first. this isn't your thing to say yes to, he doesn't really know you, he doesn't know them at all. they might not be comfortable. he might not be comfortable. this is not your wisest move, self."
yes. i said yes.
bad. move.
we headed over to the pope to meet the girls. things seemed to go sour pretty quickly.
we were standing by the bathroom waiting for them to show up. i had my back to the door and kept turning around to see if they were coming in, but was also looking around for them and just sort of looking around. maybe at this point i should have been more attentive to him, focused my gaze in one direction only. but i didn't. when people were waiting to go to the can i'd talk to them. at this point, as far as i could tell, it was alright to be social. instead dave said i seemed compulsive. he gave me a hard time for talkingto people and made me switch places with him so that i was facing the door and no longer "looking around so much." hmph. interesting way to put it.
he called me compulsive. i was talking to people compulsively. i wanted to be polite, to let it go. but i couldn't. i'm pretty passive and generally a pleaser. but the contradiction here was upsetting. the very act that resulted in us going out was fine when directed at him. but when i spoke to others it was suddenly something he observed and commented on with distaste. i asked why it was a bad move to talk to people now
(the girl next to me is talking about how she doesn't know whether she is awake or asleep. she doesn't know how to think. she stays up so late. until at least two. she is so tired she can't think and isn't sure if she's awake or asleep right now. this is really distracting. she's giving me all the dirt on her dreams right now. i'm in disbelief. she is giving a detailed account of her dream about shopping at boscov's.)
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